Thursday, February 09, 2012
Rambly thoughts of an adoptive dad
I love this picture of one of our girls. And not because it shows a poor orphan with no diaper on, eating with her hands, alone on the floor... I love it because it shows the beautiful little girl who (along with her twin sister) is going to be my daughter. Over the last couple of months, Sarah and I have had the blessing of seeing pictures of the twins throughout their life in the children's home. Some pictures, like this one, give a glimpse into just how different life is for them there. Other pictures show them laughing, playing on a playground, swinging, see-sawing, and crying after a fight over a ball - a pair of normal, rambunctious almost-4-year-olds.
This morning I sat in a rocking chair on our front porch, closed my eyes and prayed for my girls - all 3 of them. I pictured myself in my meeting place with Jesus - a quiet ocean beach where I talk with my Savior and Lord. I stood on the sand facing the waves with the girls, confessing to Jesus that I didn't yet feel up to the challenge of raising these girls to be women. He reassured me that he would give me the grace to get through each day, and that as I was faithful in raising them as their earthly father, they would better understand the role of God as their heavenly Father. I need that kind of a reminder every now and then.
You know the funny things that I think about? I try to mentally fit three car seats into the back of my Matrix. I wonder if I'll get to play ultimate frisbee or go rock climbing with any of my girls. I disappointedly realize that Friday morning coffee cupping field trips are a no-go when Sarah goes back to work (do they make a triple Ergo carrier??).
Though at this point I'm not seriously worrying about things. I know we'll have our fair share of challenges pretty soon, but we've chosen to trust the Lord in it. I could pull my hair out running scenario after scenario through my brain about what will happen with regard to attachment/bonding/connection issues, health problems, possible racism, supporting our family on one income, etc. But like I said, I believe God's gonna give us the grace to get through whatever comes our way. In that promise I live freely.
I wrote this in my journal, exactly 2 and 1/2 years ago: "It's a liberating feeling, putting yet another area of our lives fully into the Lord's hands." At the time I was writing about us not using birth control and fully opening up the possibility to have our first child. Here we are in another situation where the same conclusion applies: Trust God, and he'll work it all out.
So, I'm ready. Right now it's like the roller coaster is click-clicking its way up the big hill and we're anticipating what craziness lies over that initial hump. It'll be a ride. Ups and downs. Highs and Lows. Unpredictable. WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!