It's Sunday morning and Jonathan is at the bowling alley taking his weekly "break" from life with 3 little ones. God has graced me with a quiet moment where all 3 girls are playing by themselves...with cloth diaper wipes. Faith is cleaning a book, Favor is changing a doll's diaper, and Rory is laying the wipes out in nice, orderly piles. Less than 15 minutes ago, all three girls were crying and asking to be held when all I wanted to do was finished getting dressed. I was frustrated and spoke shortly with them when all they wanted was attention and love from their mommy.
I'm thirty now. I know it's still relatively young, but the years that thirty seemed so far away seem like they were so recent. I joke about how I blinked and suddenly I was thirty, married, with a house, three kids, a grown up job, and a minivan.
When I was in my early twenties, I imagined over and over again the kind of woman I would be when I was an "adult." Reflecting on that this morning, I realize that that time is now. The time has arrived for me to be the woman I wanted to be eight short years ago. This is the future me. Am I there?
When you look at me from the outside, I look like I'm there. I work for a non-profit, we've helped two little girls be orphans no longer, we're helping plant a church in the city, I read my Bible regularly, our family prays together every night, we tithe more than we "should", and the list goes on. So, from the outside, we're good to go.
But what about my heart?
Ahhhh, my heart. I have so much further to go. I am so quick to become frustrated, so easily distracted, and so incredibly vain. I still have so far to go. I want to be one of those people who pray automatically instead of intentionally. I want to find Christ and love lessons in the mundane day-to-day life activities. I want to see a person's soul and heart before I see her face or hear her voice. I want to pray with bold, fearless faith and see people healed, delivered, and restored. I want to not grow weary because my strength is in the Most High. I want to overflow love and tenderness, because, in the words of Amy Carmichael, "If a sudden jar can cause me to speak an impatient, unloving word, then I know nothing of Calvary love. For a cup brimful of sweet water cannot spill even one drop of water, however suddenly jolted."
Thank God that the One I seek makes all things new and He never gives up.